Artemis Fowl: It doesnt take a genius to know you're screwed
by ibliniy
Summary: Now Fowl faces a series of problems, including a rather embarrassing one. Will the screwing over never end for him? Will he finally catch a break? Or will his life always be this screwed up? T coz theres some teen humor XD A/H
1. Chapter 1

**Takes place after The Artic Incident. Please enjoy! If no one likes it, it will be discontinued. And deleted.**

**ibliniyxxx**

"Butler?"

Madame Fowl's voice floated like roses towards Butler. Or at least that's what he thought. In his deep gruff voice, he replied, "Yes Ma'am?"

"Go check on Arty, will you? He's been ever so quiet recently."

_Probably plotting,_ thought Butler. But he went anyway, without another word.

He paused outside Artemis' door. He had expected the room to be silent, but to his surprise, Artemis was talking. To himself. But that wasn't the worrying thing. Artemis was talking... normally.

"Oh GOD. OY MY FREAKING GOD. Oh no. What am I going to do? Im screwed. I cant do this! I am completely and utterly SCREWED. Oh, jeez. What the hell? Ahhhh..."

Butler knocked, and went in. "Artemis? Are you all right, sir?"

Artemis jumped about a metre in the air, much to Butler's surprise. Usually, Artemis would tell Butler to come in before he'd even knocked. He looked at the 14 year old, who was paler than usual.

"Oh. Hello," Artemis said nervously. Even stranger. Artemis was nervous. "Ummm... Heya Butler. What up? Something wrong?"

Artemis Fowl using slang? Unheard of.

"Im fine sir. I heard you outside. I thought you were possibly upset about something."

"What? Pssssscchh. Moi, Upset. You have got to be kidding me, dude."

Butler thought he had misheard what Artemis said. Dude? What was wrong? He felt a pang of suspicion enter his gut. This was not Artemis. He decided to wait for one more sign that he should call in specialist action.

"Oh, OK, sir. I'll be leaving you to your thoughts, then."

"Very well."

Butler walked out of the room.

"WOAH! Flippin' hell, I look like a vampire, don't I? Maybe I should join the vamps! LOL!"

Butler dialled Holly's number into his phone. Artemis Fowl the Second did not say LOL.

**OK! first chapter! Hope you liked it! Please R&R! BUT OMG WHAT IS WRONG WITH ARTY!? I guess you'll just have to wait to find out!**


	2. Chapter 2

**Ummm.. yh. Thanks for the reviews. So, enjoy!**

**ibliniyxxx**

Down in Haven, Holly was enjoying a relatively quiet day at the office when her phone rang. She picked it up.

"Hello, you've reached Holly Short. What can I do for you?"

"Holly, its Butler."

Holly stiffened. What was that mud boy up to now? She rushed into Roots office and put him on speakerphone, so Root could hear him too. "Hi, Butler. Whats wrong?"

"Its Artemis. Hes not acting like his usual self. Listen."

They both heard Artemis' voice.

"OH NO! Whats the password to Artemis' computer? He never told me! ARGH! Damn that kid. The next time I see him, I am gonna..."

"See?" said Butler pointedly. "Hes been using slang all morning, cant even hack into his own computer system, which he built, and now he's referring to himself in the third person. Can you come and check him out?"

"Fine. We're coming up," replied Root. "Give us 10 minutes."

10 minutes later, Root and Holly were at Artemis' home. Butler let them in, and they all rushed up to Artemis' room. Artemis turned around when they came in.

"Yo, Butler! How you doin'?" he said, but his voice was panic stricken. Holly walked forward.

"Hey, Artemis. Are you feeling OK?" she asked him. He stared down at her confusedly.

"Err... Who the hell are you? And your red friend?" he asked. There was no trace of recognition for either of them in Artemis' face. Holly's jaw dropped.

"What? Artemis, come on! You kidnapped me, remember? We're friends now?" she said desperately.

Artemis raised his eyebrows. "I'm sorry, I've never heard of you." He was being sincere.

Holly felt a jab of hurt and confusion go down her spine. After all they'd been through, how could he not remember?

"Foaly," muttered Root, answering Holly's silent question. "That pony..."

* * *

"Now in order to able to use-"

BRRRIIINNNGG! Foalys phone was ringing. He sighed and picked it up. "Yes, Julius?"

"DONT CALL ME JULIUS PONY! WHAT HAVE YOU DONE TO FOWL?!"

Foaly jumped at his yell. Then again, he shouldn't have been surprised. "What are you talking about? I haven't been near that kid for weeks."

A faint voice said, "He's telling the truth Commander."

"And how do you know that, Captain?"

"Because if he isn't, then I'll kill him."

"Um, helllooooo! Are we, like, done here? Can you get out of my room, please?"

Foaly's eyes widened. "Was that Artemis Fowl?"

"Yes, pony it was. We'll fill you in when we get back." The line went dead. Foaly turned back to the new recruits.

"Like I was saying..."

* * *

Root shook his head at Butler. It wasn't Foaly's fault. So what was wrong?

Artemis had begun pacing up and down nervously, glancing at the phone every now and then. They all watched him carefully. He stopped and tapped his foot, still staring at the phone.

"OMFG! How long does it take to call someone, I mean, JESUS CHRIST! What the hell is Artemis doing, this is all his fault anyway, ARGH!"

Holly approached Artemis cautiously. At that moment, though, the phone rang. He held it to his ear.

"Who dis be?"

Holly stopped. And stared. Artemis Fowl the Second had just answered the phone with 'who dis be.'

"Nuh-uh. And also, whos the person calling herself Holly Short? WHAT?! SHES A FAIRY?! Wow, you could have said something to me! I am so hurt! WHAT! FOALY'S A CENTAUR?! WHAT HAVE YOU BEEN DOING, FOWL?!"

Root slipped behind Holly. "We need to get him to the psychiatric ward," he whispered. Holly nodded and shot Artemis.

He turned around so fast he was a blur. He caught the dart in his hand.

"How did you do that?" gasped Holly.

Um... maybe I should tell you the truth... one sec," he said, putting the phone back to his ear. "I literally cannot pretend to be you anymore Artemis. Can I just spill? Ok. Bye."

He turned back to his friends. "I'm not Artemis Fowl the Second."

Butler put his hand on Artemis' shoulder. "We should see a therapist, Artemis," he said gently.

Artemis shook his head, frustrated. "No! Im not! Artemis and me did some weird mind swap thing, so now hes stuck in my body and Im stuck in his!"

There was silence. Holly, Root and Butler snapped out of their reverie when another person entered the room.

It was a girl. She was Artemis' height, with long, shiny black hair that danced down her back. She had nut brown skin, and shocking green eyes, like a cat.

"Artemis, get behind me!" yelled Butler. He viewed anyone unauthorised as a potential threat. The girl turned her eyes on him, which were cold.

"Do not be silly, Butler. It is I, Artemis. Believe the girl. Every word she has spoken is true."

The way she said it, and with such power, made everyone believe it.

"So, you're a girl now?" asked Holly, fascinated.

"Yes, Captain Short. If you don't mind, I would like to get back in my own body." she strode over to Artemis, and plonked a helmet on his head. She did the same for herself, and flicked a switch on her belt.

BANG.

For about 10 seconds, there was nothing but light. Then Artemis and the girl were both lying on the floor groaning.

"Perfect. It seems I have returned to my normal state," Artemis said smartly.

The girl jumped up. "I don't think I'll ever recover from being Artemis Fowl the Second..."

She and Holly looked at each other. And burst out laughing. Artemis raised and eyebrow.

"Jade, really? I cant be that bad. Now all of you, get out." He ushered his friends out.

"Really?" asked Jade.

"Its not like anyone wants to kill me, Jade."

Her eyebrows went up.

"Except him."

Higher.

"Also her."

Jade's eyebrows were in danger of disappearing altogether.

"Oh, shut up, all right?" snapped Artemis, and he slammed the door on the laughing foursome.


	3. Chapter 3

**Hey! I have decided to continue with this story just to see where it goes!**

**Enjoy!**

**ibliniyxxx**

Jade stood in the dojo, carelessly throwing knives at a target. Or rather several, seeing as she got all of them the first time round.

"So, you're Artemis' best friend, then?" Holly asked, leaning against said target as Jade was pulling the knives out. She was already pretty impressed with Jade. Jade was a black belt in martial arts, had a degree in kickboxing, several awards for karate and judo and was top in her year for PE.

"Yup, I'm friends with the weirdo," she answered cheerfully. She ripped the knife out in one smooth motion, leaving Juliet staring jealously. This girl was way better than her at everything she prized.

"Why have we never heard of you before, then? He cant like you that much," snapped Juliet.

Jade smiled. "I like to keep all my relationships-friendly or otherwise-secret, for our own safety."

"As long as the mud boy kept his promise about not telling to anyone about the People, then Im OK," Holly said, jumping up onto the target.

Butler entered the room.

"Hello ladies. Artemis wants to see you in his study, Jade. And by the way-he didn't look happy."

Jade shrugged. "But then again, D, he never looks happy, does he?" She left, her black shiny hair dancing behind her.

Juliet froze. "Did she just call you D?"

"I think she did! But how does she know?"

Holly jumped off the target. "Lets go ask!" she said eagerly. Juliet frowned.

They trailed up the stairs, stopping when they heard voices.

"...Yes, I know! But how?"

"Leave that to me."

"If you lay a finger on Holly..."

"I wont give her anything that will harm her delicate little immune system. What about Juliet and Do-Butler?"

"Oh, they can take it. I've done it loads of times before."

"KK, whatevs. Better kiss yo girlfriend goodbye."

"Holly is not my girlfriend..."

"Yeah. In your dreams."

Jade appeared at the top of the stairs. She winked at the threesome as she cartwheeled down and out of the house. Then, she was gone.

After the footsteps had faded, Holly, being the most agile of the three, sneaked up the stairs to see what Artemis was doing. She beckoned to the others when she thought it was safe. They ran past Artemis' room, and into Juliet's.

"What was that all about?" hissed Juliet.

"Don't know. Artemis has never said anything about it to me. Holly?"

"Nope, not a word. So whats the mud boy planning?"

They sat still for a while, imagining what Artemis might do.

Suddenly, a terrible scream pierced the house.


	4. Chapter 4

Holly and Juliet ran down the exquisite stairs to the source of the screams. At the last minute, Holly jumped up onto the chandelier, ready to attack anyone from above, in case Juliet needed help. Her eyes widened as she saw who it was...

Butler ran to Artemis' room, to check on his charge. He opened the door...

...It was Artemis Fowl Senior, lying on the floor in a pool of blood. Madame Fowl had thrown herself onto him, crying and sobbing. Between them, they managed to get Madame Fowl off her husband so Holly could heal him.

"Heal," she whispered, and she felt the familiar tingly sensation well up inside of her, down and out her fingers, bringing Fowl Sr back to life. She was vaguely aware of Butler pounding down the stairs, yelling something, and suddenly everyone was running up to his room. She focussed harder, and watched as his sinewy skin repaired itself. H began to breathe in weak gasps, but Holly ignored him, running up to Artemis' room.

He was gone.

There were signs of a struggle, and a trail of blood that looked like someone had been dragged to the window and thrown out. His bed was in tatters, laptop smashed, desk blown to smithereens. Whoever had taken Artemis knew what they were doing. Holly leaned down and wiped some of the blood onto her finger. She would match it against Fowl's when she got back to HQ. She exchanged looks with Juliet at Butler's distressed state, and Madame Fowl's. At least the giant Eurasian man had managed to retain his posture. Madame Fowl had broken down at the fact her son was gone.

"It's OK," murmured Holly, patting her shoulder, "It's all right."

Madame Fowl looked up. "Who are you?"

"Erm..."

* * *

Artemis woke up in a dark room.

"Jade? You there?"

"Hell yes."

They were both thinking the same thing: not again.

* * *

After a lot of explaining (and screaming on Madame Fowl's part) Holly finally managed to get down to HQ.

"Foaly! I need you to match this blood against Fowl's!" she yelled. Several new recruits turned to face her, fascinated.

"Oh wow! Look! Its that mud boy's illegal girlfriend!" one of them said. Holly blasted his sideburns off so fast, he didn't have time to react.

"WHY DOES EVERYONE THINK IM IN LOVE WITH THAT D'ARVITTING MUD BOY?!" She screamed. Then she slammed her door so hard, one of the little panes of glass fell out.

An hour later, Holly sat with Artemis' family in their living room. She decided to rearrange her facts:

1. It was Artemis' blood.

2. Jade had disappeared.

3. They had no idea who took him.

4. Artemis' parents now knew what he had been doing for the last 2 years.

5. For some d'arvitting reason, everyone thought she was in love with him.

"So, what do we do?" asked Holly, looking around.

Juliet sat back. "Now we wait."

And they did. For 3 days and 3 nights. Then Artemis and Jade came home.

But little did they know, a pixie, driven crazy by her hate for Foaly, and her defeat from a certain Mud Boy, was plotting, deep underground...

**Can you guess who it is? Review for more!**


	5. Chapter 5

Artemis and Jade, staggered in through the front door. Artemis, not surprisingly, was covered in blood.

"I'm surprised you haven't died of blood loss by now," muttered Jade. "Or concussions," she added, as Madame Fowl came rushing over and knocked over her son. Artemis tried to say something, but he was being crushed by his joyous family (Butlers included), so he just glared. Holly and Jade stared thoughtfully. There weren't many situations Artemis Fowl couldn't get out of. This was one of them.

"So, where have you guys been?" asked Holly.

Jade waved her hand dismissively. "Oh, the usual. Intergalactic conspiracy. On top of that, we had to deal with some crazy weirdo who wanted to rule the world."

"I can think of a few people who would want that," said Artemis, thinking of Opal. By the way Holly was grinning, he could tell she was thinking the same.

"Woah, wait. Intergalactic conspiracy?" Juliet said, frowning.

Madame Fowl broke into sobs. "I haven't let you out of my sight these past few days, and yet you still managed to be kidnapped, rescued, then saviour of the world! Im such a bad mother!"

"Madame Fowl, all of these... umm... misadventures were mainly bad luck. You know, wrong place, wrong time," Jade said, patting the sobbing lady. She looked up at Jade.

"And you! I've never seen you before, yet you two," she pointed to Artemis and Jade, "Seem to know each other like you were born and raised together!"

Jade looked away immediately, a guilty expression on her face. This only caused Madame Fowl to be more hysterical. Timmy frowned.

"Impossible," he said. "I've never seen you before in this house."

"I haven't either, and neither has Butler," Juliet put in.

Artemis pinched his nose in frustration. "Can we please focus on the important things here? Like how Artemis Fowl Sr was stabbed?"

"Right. I have a few theories on that. Cmon, I'll show you them." Juliet pulled Artemis up the staircase, followed by Jade and Butler, who were trying to get Madame Fowl up too.

Holly hung behind. "Look on the bright side," she whispered to Timmy. "Artemis has been sneaking a girl into his room for the last few years. That's gotta mean he's slightly normal, right?"

Timmy smiled at her. "Artemis has been sneaking fairies into his bedroom. How joyous."

Holly did not appreciate how much she blushed at that.

* * *

"MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! I AM EVIL AND I AM TAKING OVER THE WORLD!"

The crazy pixie twirled around in her pink chair. Her long dark hair swung out behind her. She would have been pretty, if she didn't have a mad glint in her eyes. By the way this pixie was living, you could see she was far gone. VERY far gone.

She flew up her stairs, and out of the basement she was living in. The elves living above stared in surprise.

Elves. Holly Short. Anger flared suddenly inside of her. She pulled out her Softnose, and shot all three of the elves dead. For good measure, she shot the one with auburn hair several times.

She looked around, panting. There was a gigantic mess, and someone was sure to have heard the blasts from her precious. She ran out as fast as she could, and put up her shield. Then she climbed into a shuttle (after throwing the pilot and all the passengers out) and blasted to the surface. Foaly, she would deal with later. First she had to make sure no one was coming to his rescue- ESPECIALLY not Artemis Fowl or Holly Short.

* * *

Artemis inspected the recently healed wound on his father. Holly hadn't had the sufficient amount of magic to heal him properly, as she'd used most of it on the journey here.

"This was deliberate," he announced. Jade stared at him.

"No, Artemis, it was an accident. I happened to be passing by at the time with a huge gun, and forgot I was holding it, so I blew a hole in your dad. Of course it was deliberate you idiot! Now tell us something we don't know!"

Artemis huffed. "I am getting to that part, Jade. If you would be so kind to not interrupt me."

"Just tell us already!"

"Artemis Fowl Sr was shot as a distraction. Mother was downstairs, and would be the first to discover him. Clearly, my enemies knew she was going to scream, causing Juliet and Holly to come down, leaving only Butler to find me. By that time however, I was gone." He said this calmly, like getting kidnapped was something that happened everyday. "But although Holly has healed Artemis Fowl Sr, I would like to keep him overnight in the hospital." He looked at his mother. "Will that be alright, mother?"

Madame Fowl nodded silently.

"Perfect. I shall go ahead and prepare one of the beds." Artemis walked out.

Timmy stared after him, a worried look on his face.

"Whats wrong, dear?" asked Madame Fowl.

"Ever since I got back, Artemis hasn't called me father once. He just calls me Artemis Fowl Sr, like Im a client or something," he said sadly. "What have I turned my son into?"

Holly patted his arm. "He'll come round, Mr Fowl, just you watch. Juliet, Butler, Jade, cmon." She flew out the room, and they followed her.

Artemis had been quietly prepping one of the beds when Holly, Juliet, Jade and Butler came in. Jade punched him in the arm.

"What was that Fowl? Your own daddy-o is feeling the rejection!"

"And so he should," snapped Artemis, turning away.

Holly was about to say something when Opal Koboi burst in. With a scream she launched herself at Artemis who fell underneath her grip. The mind swap machine fell off the table and began to buzz.

"ARTEMIS!" screamed Butler, Holly, Jade and Juliet at the same time. They ran towards him.

And all of a sudden, the world was filled with blinding light...

**Can you guess** **whats gonna happen? I bet you cant! Cliché-y story ever... **

**ehehehehehehehhehehehee! R&R!**


	6. Chapter 6

**OK, in this chapter, i tried to make it really clear who's who. Its the person whos in that body first, then the body it belongs to AKA Jade-Opal will be Jade in Opals body.**

***dances* I wrote the rant!**

***rolls eyes* Only cuz you were high on sugar, Orion! I should mention, theres some-**

***interrupts* theres some major spoilers in here!**

***yells* WHAT DID I SAY ABOUT STEALING MY LINES?!**

Holly woke up. She felt strange. What was happening to her? She kept her eyes closed, and tried to work out what went wrong.

"Holly, I must implore you to open your eyes. And please do not scream."

She opened her eyes-and screamed. She was staring at herself. The other Holly winced.

"Please, Holly... Don't be alarmed. It is I, Artemis. It seems you have my body."

She scrambled up. Wow, the world was different from Artemis' height. Everything she had previously thought was over sized, now seemed completely normal.

"Wow. I totally get it now," she said impressed. Artemis-Holly smiled. "But what do we do now?" No sooner that the words had left Holly-Artemis' mouth, Opal began stirring. Then she sat bolt upright.

"WHAT THE FLIPPING HELL! IVE TURNED INTO ONE OF THE KARDASHIAN SISTERS!" Opal stared at herself, utterly horrified at her appearance. Artemis-Holly looked at her.

"Jade?" he asked. Jade-Opal nodded. "Perfect. Help me tie up Opal." Between them, they dragged the unconscious Opal-Jade to a chair and tied her up.

"How come you guys aren't feeling the same side affects as me?" asked Holly-Artemis.

"We've administered this test before, Holly. All we need to do is find the mind-swap machine, and we can correct this mess."

Jade-Opal had her head under the table. "Uh, yeah, bout that Artemis..."

Artemis-Holly turned to her. She held up a bit of frazzled metal. It took Holly about a second to realize it was the mind swap machine.

"We are so busted," Jade-Opal said. She went to revive Butler and Juliet.

"Artemis!" yelled Juliet, jumping to her feet. She saw Jade-Opal and tackled her to the ground.

"NONONO!" yelled Holly and Artemis at the same time. "LOOK BUTLER!"

Butler-Juliet paused and stared at himself. So did Juliet-Butler.

"Ohhhhhh!" Juliet-Butler whined. "Ohhhh, Im you! Great(!)" Butler-Juliet glared as he got off Jade-Opal.

"Its not my fault. Stop complaining."

Butler got up and brushed himself off. "Well, I am going to my room, until you lot sort this mess out!" He walked out, deliberately slamming the door behind him. Artemis-Holly sighed wearily.

"OK, first things first. We need to notify everyone, so they don't think we've all gone crazy. Then, we need to focus on fixing the machine."

Holly-Artemis raised his eyebrows. "I thought we'd be dealing with the entire body swap problem first."

"There's nuthin we can do bout that," said Jade-Opal tying up her dark hair. "We best get everyone." With that she walked out. Butler-Juliet followed her.

Holly and Artemis stood together in the middle of the room.

"So..." started Holly-Artemis. "I get the whole, um having big stuff now. It always seemed pretty stupid to me, but, err, its cool."

Holly watched her face scowl. "There were so many grammatical errors in that sentence, it sickens me."

Before she could reply, however, Artemis' parents burst in. "Oh, Arty!" cried his mother, rushing past Artemis-Holly and almost crushing Holly-Artemis. Timmy followed her.

Artemis-Holly rolled her eyes. "Mother? Im here. That's Holly." To Holly's great surprise, Artemis didn't seem upset or even angry. He remained coldly indifferent.

"Oh," said his father, "Sorry, son." He made to hug him, but Artemis-Holly ducked under his arm, and said,

"Right. Holly, you get on to tell Foaly and the LEP. I'll try and sort out this machine. When Butler gets back, tell him to watch Opal. God knows what that girl will do."

Jade-Opal chose that moment to stride in, saying, "Yo, Fowl, I think you're cover's been blown on that whole thing where-" she stopped abruptly at seeing Artemis' parents. "Err, you know, the umm... thing," she finished.

Artemis-Holly pinched her nose. "Please specify."

Keeping her eyes trained on Artemis' dad in particular, she said, "The entire thing to do with the thing that happened when yo daddy-o was kidnapped and no one could do that other thing, cuz of it, and also cuz of that thing that happened with ummmmm..."

"Ah. Right. I understand. Well, we have bigger problems right now. And Holly, do not eat that, you'll completely ruin my figure."

Holly-Artemis froze, an energy bar halfway to his mouth. "What? You're worried about your FIGURE?"

"HA! After everything Fowl's done, you'd be worried too, what with the entire no parents thing!" said Jade-Opal, collapsing into laughter at some strange thought that no one else knew. Timmy frowned.

"Son? What have you been getting into?"

Artemis did not turn around from where he was trying to fix the mind swap machine. He had got out a new bit of metal, and was smashing it haphazardly into place. At first, Holly thought he was being deliberately rude, but realised, rather sadly, that Artemis had never been anyone's son before. He was just... Artemis.

"Artemis? Are you going to explain?"

Artemis gave a start and sighed. "Not NOW, Jade, cant you see I have better things to do than save the world? Trying to get my mother out of that bed for instance, and also trying to find Artemis Fowl the First. He couldn't have disappeared at a less convenient time. A few months later, maybe. But now? That man has no consideration for other life-especially mine. I mean, really, all I ever wanted was to build a snowman with him, and..."

By now, Butler-Juliet had entered the room, and had Foaly on speakerphone and Opal was awake. They all listened to Artemis' rant. He had clearly forgotten he wasn't 8 years old anymore.

"He was just so angry with me. I was 2, for gods sake! How was I meant to know that he had a business meeting?! And he was always telling me that I couldn't be this, or that, because I had to run the Fowl empire. Did it never occur to him, that I might want to do something else? Like have crazy adventures and save the world? No, it was always, the empire the empire the empire! You have to run the empire!" Artemis' tone had become bitter and resentful.

"But anyway, now that fool is out of my way, I say good riddance! I've burned every single photo of him we've ever had, so Mother and I don't need to think about him. But it seems I have to save him now, because Mother is awfully upset, and I cant stand her being sad, so Im going to kidnap a fairy. I know it seems ridiculous, but I had this really weird dream that I travelled back in time with a fairy to get a lemur from my younger self to save Mother. There was a fairy named Holly in it I believe, I sent you into hiding because our, how shall I put it, COLOURFUL past had caught up with us, and I think the fairy kissed me, but that's absurd because we're 2 different species. I thought there was a demon called No.1 in it somewhere, and also a sprite called Opal Koboi, who went crazy and destroyed Fowl Manor in my absence, but I soon got rid of her at the expense of my own life. Oh, wait, I forgot! I regrew myself as a clone, and raised an army from the dead, and defeated the Oppfrwns! Did I mention that? Hmm, I don't think I did. Anyway, Im getting off the point now, which is I cant possibly save the world right now. Maybe later. We have to deal with SKORN, 99p, the Oppfrwns, for a start. THEN we can save the world."

Artemis finally remembered where he was. He was greeted by a silent room.

"Way to blow all our secrets, man," sighed Jade. "And also tell the future."

"OK," said Foaly slowly, "What was that?"

"You didn't want to save me?" asked Timmy, looking extremely hurt.

Artemis was about to answer when a huge BANG shook the entire house.

**OK, slightly weird chapter... BUT WHATS HAPPENING! DUN DUN DUUUNNN!**

***smiles* easy! Artemis is going to-**

***shoots tranq at Orion* OK, no spoilers. See ya later.**


	7. Chapter 7

Artemis managed to grab hold of the little metal thing that was going to be Mind Swapper 2 as the entire house shook.

"Ah, Jade, I-"

"I'll go head them off!" yelled Jade, running to the door. "You guys get down to Haven!" She slammed the door behind her and locked it from the outside.

"How are we meant to get out now?" Holly said, aghast. Artemis smirked.

"Ever heard of a circus, Holly?"

"Yeah... Why?"

"Because that's another part of my life you haven't heard about." And with that, he ran towards the open window, and vaulted himself out of it.

"ARTEMIS!" screamed his mother, running to the window. They were on the second floor-and in Fowl Manor that was pretty damn high. To her great surprise though, Artemis stood unharmed at the bottom of the garden, waving at them.

"Come, come, we don't have all day!" came his faint yell. Holly cracked her knuckles, and winced. It seemed Artemis' body was not used to her usual mannerisms.

"When I get my hands on that..." she muttered, copying Artemis' motion. Soon enough, they were all piled up in a heap. Holly glared at the Mud Boy as he smirked at her from her body.

* * *

20 minutes later, they were all down in Haven. Artemis was still trying to explain to Foaly and Root what had happened.

"So, you swapped bodies? Like your souls, Holly?"

"Commander, how many times? I am Artemis! That is Holly!" he said impatiently, waving to where Holly stood. For a human, Artemis was short. Butler-Juliet scowled. Well, he thought, at least its not as much of a squash as before. But Im in my little sisters body!

"OK, OK, so you're Artemis, that's Holly and Im guessing, you're Butler?"

Butler-Juliet scowled even harder. Foaly took a step back.

Jade caused a huge ruckus at that point by appearing out of thin air, with crazy hair and wearing sweats.

"ARTEMIS! I-" She only ever got that far, because the next second about 20 LEP officials were on her. They had all forgotten that Jade looked like Opal.

"No, no, that's Jade! STOP!" yelled Artemis, pulling off the LEP from his friend. They didn't resist, but 2 of them held her down. Jade rolled her eyes impatiently.

"Come ON man! Do I even look like Emerald, or whatever?"

The officials looked at each other. It was true. Opal Koboi didn't call herself Emerald, talk in human slang, wear sweats, and look like she hadn't brushed her hair for several days. They got off her cautiously.

"Thank you. Artemis, I managed to save the HQ blueprints, but nothing else."

Artemis nodded. "OK. We have bigger problems now." Holly was the only one, besides Jade, who saw it. Artemis had inclined his head very slightly toward his father. Jade nodded.

"How did you just appear from out of thin air, Jade?" asked Madame Fowl.

Jade shrugged. "I just used Arty's teleport thingy dude... I mean, Madame Fowl. What do we do..."

"Why did you call him Arty? Im the only one who ever call him Arty," said Madame Fowl protectively. Her eyes slid to Artemis, who was avoiding her gaze, and had become very interested in the ceiling. Jade was fiddling with something on her belt. Again, they both looked extremely guilty. "What on EARTH have you two been up to?"

Before Jade could say anything, Artemis grabbed her arm and said hurriedly, "Ohwouldyoulookatthetime, wehavetogetbacktothemanorsowecanfixthismessbye!" and his hand slammed down onto the teleporter. The next second, they were gone. Holly frowned, then stopped. Artemis' face was usually void of emotion. It felt strange.

"What was that all about?" asked Timmy confused. The others shook their heads. Holly sighed.

"Well, we might as well try and see whats actually happened to you," Foaly said, opening the door of his Ops Booth. The others filed in, but Timmy reached out and grabbed Holly's-or rather, Artemis'-arm.

"We'll be there in a minute," he called. Foaly shot Holly a curious look before closing his door.

Holly took a good look at Artemis' dad. He looked so much like him, but so little at the same time. It was confusing. He sighed, and ran his hands through his hair.

"Do you know why Artemis hates me?" he asked her sadly.

"Im not sure, Mr Fowl..."

"Please, call me Timmy."

"Er, well, I guess its 'cause you rejected him so many times, he just finds it easier to close his heart."

Timmy looked down. "I wasn't the best of fathers, I admit. But I just didn't think he'd be so... cold."

Holly laid a hand on his arm. "Mr Fowl-Timmy. Doors can be opened again once they're closed. I never said he locked it."

Timmy smiled. "Well, Miss Short, shall we go back to the surface? Im sure they," and he jerked his head towards Foalys door, "wont miss us."

* * *

Back on the surface, Holly took a moment to relish the breeze. It was a rare pleasure for her race to ever catch a wind quite like this. Timmy set off briskly towards the house. Holly followed.

"THERE HE IS! GET HIM!" yelled a voice, and suddenly Holly's arms were pinned by her sides. She watched as Timmy struggled against his captors as they were dragged away.

**another cliffhanger. How perfectly evil.**

***jumps* YEEEAAAARRGGGHH! SPIDER!**

***ignores her* mwhahahhaahahahhahahahaha!**


	8. Chapter 8

It was a moment before Holly's common sense kicked in. She began struggling on her captors grasp, yelling her head off, in the hope that Artemis would hear her and come running. Or Jade. That would be better.

"Stop, stop, STOP!" yelled a voice, presumably the leader. "That's not Artemis."

Holly looked up into a young womans face. She cant be older than 25, thought Holly. Then she scowled as hard as she could.

The woman sighed and stood up. "Yup, that's not Artemis."

"What do we do?" asked a voice behind Holly. "Leave 'em?"

She shook her head. "Nope. We'll take 'em and hope Fowl follows. And I know we got unlucky last time, when Fowl swapped with that little fighting machine... I don't think Ramirez and Doyle are ever going to leave the hospital."

"Who are you?" gasped Timmy. His face was white and a small red stain had appeared on his shirt. He was bleeding through his bandages. The young woman's face creased into worry. She ripped open his shirt.

"Oh, by the 7 seven Gods! Somebody help him!"

Holly felt her captors drop her arms and run towards Timmy. The young woman stuck out her hand. "Im Miri," she said, looking directly into Holly's eyes.

"What do you want with us?" asked Holly, just managing to stop her voice from quavering. Miri's expression grew softer.

"We don't want you. As soon as Fowl gets into our territory, then we'll let you go. You're innocents. We don't hurt innocents."

Holly remembered what Artemis had said. _"SKORN, 99p and the Oppfrwns." _"Which group are you exactly?"

"SKORN. Artemis has the mind swapper. We need it. You know, I thought you knew all this, if Fowl is so willing to swap with you."

"Er, actually, it was an accident. We're trying to swap back."

Miri closed her eyes and groaned. "I should've known. You were just too innocent. Typical Fowl." She pulled Holly up and grinned. "Lets go talk to him." She set off towards the manor.

The moment the doors opened, they were met with gunfire.

"Woah, woah, WOAH! Truce! I've got... Er... you!"

Artemis appeared over the railing, holding a gun. "HOLLY! YOU'RE SAFE!" he yelled, running down the stairs. He was followed by a grumpy looking Opal, and Jade. He hugged her, hard, which was difficult, because he was short.

Miri stared at him. "Wow. You're a girl."

"Shut UP," snapped Artemis, "Or I'll set Jade on you."

To prove his point, Opal cracked her knuckles and growled. Jade rolled her eyes.

"Can you not do that to my hands, please? You're going to give me bad skin," Opal-Jade said.

Jade-Opal turned to stare at her with an absolutely disgusted expression. "Oh. My. Flipping. God. You are NOT for real."

"I am, actually, so, don't do that. And don't look at me like that, you're going to give me wrinkles."

Jade-Opal looked at Holly and Miri. "She's serious."

Miri began making her way up the stairs. "Guys, if you don't mind, Im going to fix the Mind Swapper. Then we can do business, Mr Fowl."

"Got that," called Artemis over his shoulder. He stood back.

Holly was suddenly very aware of the fact they were alone. Jade and Opal had gone outside to settle their argument, leaving Artemis and Holly alone.

"It seems I don't know you at all, Fowl," laughed Holly nervously, trying to diffuse the tension.

Artemis sighed. "Being me is difficult, isn't it Holly?"

"Yeah... But I cant say being Captain Holly Short of the LEP is too easy, either."

They fell silent after that. Holly could feel that Artemis had something else to say.

"Holly," he finally said, slowly and carefully. "I have given this a lot of thought. I am sure, that with only 80 years or so of your life left, we could do this."

Holly could feel it coming, but made no attempt to stop him. She told herself she didn't want this, but she did, oh so very badly.

"After all this is over... Holly, would you like to go on a date-"

"Arty! It turns out its just your consciousness that's swapped, so theres no after effects, as long as you guys get back in your bodies within 48 hours!" His mother glided in, with Timmy hanging onto her. Her happy expression faded when she saw Artemis and Holly. "Oh dear, Ive just interrupted something haven't I?"

"Don't worry, Mother. It wasn't important anyway." Holly couldn't help but feel slightly stung by this. Not important?

"We can always get back to it. But that's wonderful news! Timmy, what on Earth happened to you?"

Holly watched the stiff, formal correspondence between father and son. There is nothing sadder than a boy growing up without his fathers love, thought Holly, and by the look on Timmy's face, he agreed.

"I-the stress," he said weakly. Artemis, however, had stopped listening. He had only asked for the sake of being polite. He didn't actually expect an answer from him.

"Jade! Go help Miri! We'll have to deal with 99p later! The world can wait!" he yelled. His phone rang and he picked it up. "Hello? OK, really? This is not a good time for me. Can you call me back? Thank you." He hung up and turned back to his amazed family and friends. "What?"

Then Holly realised something so utterly horrible, she didn't bear to think about it. She couldn't, but the urge was too strong. Why oh why, did she have that energy drink?

"Uh, Artemis..."

"Yes, Captain?"

"I need the loo."

**DUN DUN DUUUNNNNN! THEY NOW FACE A REAL PROBLEM! OMG! POOR ARTEMIS! POOR HOLLY! OH DEAR!**


	9. Chapter 9

**PREVIOUSLY...**

**_Then Holly realised something so utterly horrible, she didn't bear to think about it. She couldn't, but the urge was too strong. Why oh why, did she have that energy drink?_**

**_"Uh, Artemis..."_**

**_"Yes, Captain?"_**

**_"I need the loo."_**

There was silence in the room. Even Jade and Opal had gone silent. And they were outside. Holly knew she had tread on very dangerous ground. Artemis cleared his throat.

"Well, Captain, if you really need the loo..." he said, finally, turning red. "I guess you should go."

Butler had to hide his grin. He had never told anyone (especially Juliet) but he totally shipped the Hartemis. Even Root admitted that they would be quite the couple.

Holly scratched the back of her (no wait, Artemis') head awkwardly. "Uh, could one of you show me where it is?"

"I'll take you," Butler said hastily, noticing the naughty sparkle in Madame Fowl's eye as she opened her mouth to offer. "Come on."

Artemis scowled internally as they walked away. When you live with a genius like me, he thought, you'd think at least one person would have learned their grammar by now.

"ARTY!" yelled Jade suddenly, breaking his internal rage. "GET OUT HERE-NOW!"

* * *

Holly and Butler walked in silence. And just like that, Holly couldn't take it anymore.

"OK, Butler, spill. WHY are you grinning like that?"

"Grinning like what?" grinned Butler. Then he fought hard to keep it off his face.

Holly looked at him dangerously. "Do you WANT a blast from my Neutrino? Because right now, you're asking for it."

"OK, OK," said Butler, putting his hands up in defeat, "I just think it's funny that there's so much unresolved romantic tension between you and Artemis-"

"Woah, what?"

"-and now it has come to this," he finished.

"Wait, go back a minute. Did you say unresolved romantic tension?" Holly asked, almost disbelieving.

"Well..." said Butler, "I was going to say something else, but I still think Artemis is too young for that..."

"What? What were you going to say Artemis and I have?"

"He's only 14... no, it's silly, Holly, forget I ever said anything."

"Butler if you do not tell me now, you will end up in a hospital for the next three weeks."

"...well... you know... unresolved sexual tension."

Butler ended up getting a blast from her Neutrino anyway. Although he didn't end up in hospital for three weeks.

"HOW could you even think that? There is nothing going on between me and Artemis!" yelled Holly, blushing bright red. "I just need the loo!"

"How come you're blushing then? And why is going to the loo such a touchy subject for the two of you?"

Holly spluttered furiously. Butler took the chance to add something else to his list.

"And Holly, keep in mind that I have contact with Artemis all the time. Which means I heard."

Holly did not have to ask him to elaborate. She slammed the loo door as hard as possible. Butler chuckled and went back downstairs.

"You dumb girl," Artemis-Holly was saying, staring at Jade-Opal. "You cant be serious."

Mr and Mrs Fowl shot a confused look at Butler.

"Do you know what this is about?" whispered Madame Fowl to Butler.

"What did you expect me to do? And it's not like it's my fault anyway. You know what shouldn't have happened. Blame him!" Jade was protesting.

Butler shook his head. "No idea, Mrs Fowl," he whispered back.

"All right, then. We'll have to deal with this now. Everyone get to HeadQuarters. Call Miri and Foaly. Tie up Opal. Get the rest of the team," Artemis said.

"Got that. Should I get the-"

"No, Cookie! How many times?", Artemis yelled, "Come on you lot! Lets go!" He began striding away into the manor.

* * *

20 minutes later, everyone (excluding Holly and Jade) was gathered around Artemis' computer.

"Miri, I think this a worldwide case, we need to get your agents in there, and.." Artemis was talking mainly to Miri, who were hanging onto his every word.

"Look at him," said Madame Fowl. "He just expects everyone to obey him, like he's the king." She was looking at her son, (well, Holly) clearly disgusted. Miri nodded, then Miri ran out, dialling a number onto her phone on the way. Jade passed her, green eyes gazing at Artemis. She walked straight past Timmy and smiled at Madame Fowl and Butler. Holly flew in and hovered at Butler's shoulder. "And that girl... I don't like her. There's something about her..."

Madame Fowl stopped when Jade herself came over. "We're almost done," she said to them, holding up a piece of metal that looked like the mind swap machine. "Just a few finishing touches. Oh, Holly! How was your bathroom trip?" she asked.

Holly blushed and risked a glance at Artemis. Although he gave no indication he had heard any of this, the blush on his face was enough to tell Holly all she needed.

"Er, it was fine," she answered carefully, never taking her eyes off Artemis.

"Like anything you see?" Jade said cheekily. Artemis turned a deeper red.

Holly was saved answering that question though, when Miri walked back in. "Hey, Jade, that thing is done. Can you just get back in your bodies now?"

"Oh, gods, yes," Holly sighed in relief. Each one who had been swapped stood opposite their counterpart, while those who were not left the room.

As Holly's vision began to fade in just blinding light, Artemis asked her quietly, "Did you like anything?"

"Yes," she breathed, as once again, she fell into unconsciousness.

When she woke up, the LEP were taking Opal away, and order had been restored. It took her a moment to realise Artemis was staring at her.

"Hi," she said awkwardly, propping herself up on her elbows. "You OK?"

Artemis nodded and helped her up. "Shall we walk?"

Artemis didn't say anything until the din from inside had faded to nothing. "So, I suppose you'll want an explanation for everything."

"No, Arty, I actually don't. I just need to know if you really love me."

Artemis gazed at her. "I do, Holly. I just don't think it's safe for us to be together. I have enemies, you have enemies..." he sighed. "There's so much holding us back. I could disappear for years, decades, and never return, leave you on edge, wondering if I'm still alive."

"You're right," she said. There was so much holding them back.

Suddenly Artemis stopped, and Holly crashed into him. "Jade! Come out right now!"

Jade's head appeared upside down out of a tree, her long black hair tickling the floor. "You're getting better at this Ice Cream," she grinned.

Holly raised her eyebrows. "Ice Cream?"

"It's a long story. How much of it did you hear?" Artemis snapped at Jade, turning on his icy glare. Holly shivered. She could feel the coldness emitting from him.

"Let's just say, I think you would make a really cute couple." Jade winked at Artemis.

Artemis wasn't listening. He was staring at a ginger haired, cursive girl coming up the hill. She waved at Artemis.

"Oh no," said Artemis, "Holly, kiss me, quick."

"What?" she said, but the next second her lips were squashed against Artemis'. She pulled him closer. They both heard the ginger haired girl shriek, and the running footsteps of both Jade and the ginger, but neither of them pulled away.

Eventually, though, common sense kicked in, and they both came up for air.

"I never thought I was going to do that," muttered Artemis, pressing his forehead against Holly's. She smiled at him.

"I think we can do this," she whispered. They both set off down the hill together.

It looked like Artemis Fowl had finally caught his break. But since I am the decider of Artemis' fate, let's mess up his life a little more.

Root saw their joined hands. "You two are finally together, eh? Who had today down?"

"Kelp, sir," said an LEP officer.

Root wasn't listening anymore. "Where's Opal?" he said.

Everybody froze. She wasn't in the shuttle.

Suddenly, Artemis let go of Holly's hand. He stared at her for a moment before disappearing. Standing behind him was Opal, who smirked and disappeared as well.

"NOOOOOOOOO!" screamed Holly. Why, oh why? "BRING HIM BACK YOU PHYSCOPATH, YOU..." she broke down into sobs. Hearing a scuffling noise, she looked up. Jade had turned pale.

But that wasn't the worrying thing. The ends of her hair were white. "Jade," said Holly, crawling over to her. "Whats wrong?"

"Somebody get a stretcher! Get Foaly!" various commands were being yelled out by Root, but the Fowls, Butlers and Holly didn't hear any of this.

"Artemis-we're connected," she said, and sank into a dead faint.


	10. Chapter 10

By the time Jade was carried inside, she was awake.

"Sorry," she said. "Its just that I've never been separated from him that quickly. My body cant take it."

"But what are you talking about? How are you connected to my son?" Madame Fowl asked, clutching her husband.

"Its a really long story," Jade said. "I-"

"Tell us it! We've got plenty of time!"

"Fine. Artemis and I were on a mission, and I died. He gave up his life force to save me, because-"

"You died?" asked and amazed Foaly.

Jade glared at him. "Yes I did. So he gave up his life force for me, but Death took pity on him-"

"Death took pity on my son?" asked an amazed Timmy. "Why would he do that?"

"That's a whole other story, buddy... Anyway he tied us together, so I guess I'm like Artemis' other half."

"I'm sorry, you're his other half?" For the first time in his life, Foaly found he couldn't understand what was being said to him. He felt very strange and vulnerable. There was a whole lot more to the world than he had thought!

"Like..." Jade tried to remember what Artemis had told her. "Artemis said it was like for every action, there was an equal and opposite reaction. I'm his opposite reaction. That does make sense?" tried Jade.

Foaly considered it briefly. It made sense... Sort of. But he wasn't about to tell her that, so he simply nodded his head. Fowl had some serious explaining to do when he got back.

"But how does this affect Artemis? Will he faint like you?" Asked a terrified Madame Fowl.

Jade shook her head. "No it wont affect Artemis in any way. I'm the one tied to him. And each second I spend away from him, our connection grows weaker. " As ifbto prove her point, Jade gasped as her hair grew more white. It looked like she had dip dyed it. "If I die, Artemis won't feel anything. He can just continue as normal. But if he dies..." Jade didn't feel the need to finish that sentence. She preferred not to think about it.

Holly jumped up and clapped her hands. "Then lets get my boyfriend back here before both of them die. Root can you get the council to approve a sweep of Opals usual hiding places? OK good. Foaly I need you to trace Opals teleport signal. I'll grab a team and head down there once you're done."

Jade screamed as a huge cut was made down her arm. Mr and Mrs Fowl turned away, queasy looks on their faces.

The strangest thing was, though, that the cut was being made by no one. It had just appeared. Jade gasped and tears streamed down her cheeks.

"Artemis," she said weakly as an explanation. "Wow, that jewel girl must really hate him."

"Her names Opal," replied Holly, gritting her teeth. Nobody did that to her boyfriend on her watch. Koboi was going down.

* * *

On the other side of the world, Artemis gritted his teeth and tried not to cry. He could only imagine how Jade felt. He watched as the blood ran down his arm. But at least she had medical attention. He could see Opal watching him, waiting for a reaction. Well, she was going to be disappointed. He remained silent.

Opals eyes narrowed. "Not going to give in, Fowl? Well, lets see how many cuts it takes for you to break." She raised the knife and plunged it deep into his leg. He gasped. God, he hoped Jade was going to take painkillers soon. He had made her smart enough for that. Or maybe Butler would think of it. Whoever thought of it, he didn't care. He only hoped his twin wasn't suffering. He sent a mental message to the stars. _Are you OK? Have you taken painkillers yet? _He knew she would never get it, but it gave him comfort to think she could actually hear him.

Opal saw his consciousness slip away and he drifted into sleep. She screamed. GOD, why was he so resilient? Anyone else, and they would be at her feet, grovelling. She threw her knife down, deciding to torture him some more later. She had to deal with everyone else first.

"Watch out LEP, here I come," she muttered, smiling evilly. She threw back her head and fell over. "OOF! Why do I always do that?"

She hastily got to her feet and decided that she would be better off doing an evil giggle instead. "Heheheheheehhhee," she giggled. Then she leaned over and kissed Artemis on the head. "Bye bye Fowl. I'll be back later with some more torture devices, and possibly the body of you dear friend Holly."

Then she ran out and jumped off the building. Then flew back to get a parachute. Then jumped off again.

* * *

Jade woke up in a strange place. **That must mean Arty's awake too. Thank God we're not dead. **She observed her surroundings. The room was fuzzy, and she could just make out someone on a bed. Other than that, it seemed to be bare. **Funny. Artemis must have suffered severe blood loss for my vision to be fuzzy. **She grinned. **Aha, see, I have been listening Artemis! **She got to her feet, and the whole world went crazy. She stumbled a little. What was happening?

And then she was hovering, hovering over the bed. **By the seven Gods! Its Artemis! **She bit her lip. Did that mean they were both dead, or both dreaming? Suddenly Artemis' voice rang out. She strained her ears, trying to hear what he was saying, but there was commotion in the background. She was waking up!

_Are you..._

**What? What was that?**

_OK? Have... you... taken... pai-_

Jade felt herself being shaken awake. She felt anger wash over her, and punched the person standing over her.

There was a loud, girly shriek, and Juliet moved out of her fist range, glaring at her. "Hey! What was that for?"

Anger shot through her. "I was talking to Artemis, you idiots! He was gonna gimme some advice!" she yelled angrily.

Butler looked confused. "Artemis isn't here, Jade... Are you sure you haven't gone delirious?"

"NO! I HAVENT!" she screamed. For some reason, a huge panic had overtaken her body. "SOMETHING BAD IS GONNA HAPPEN! EVERYONE GET OUT OF THE HOUSE- NOW!"

She swung herself off the bed, and her leg almost crumpled beneath her. She shouted out in pain. "Quick! Everyone out, now!"

Butler picked Juliet and Jade up, much to their protests, and ran. Mr and Mrs Fowl were outside, helping Foaly.

That's when they saw it.

Coming at them was a huge bio bomb. It was travelling so fast that when Butler blinked, it seemed to have moved 2 metres away from the house. He jumped out of the window-just as the bomb landed in the house. His foot caught the egde, but he was already safe.

"What is going on here?" cried Mrs Fowl.

"Bio Bomb," said Jade, helping a groaning Juliet up. "Juliet, can you head down to the store real quick with me?"

"Dinner is the last thing on my mind," she said instantly.

Jade grinned. "We'll pick up dinner on the way back. But right now, I need your help."

"What are we going to do?"

Jade looked around at the group, and an exceptionally curious Foaly. "Magic."

**Please review!**


	11. Chapter 11

Juliet walked with Jade to the shop, casting curious glances in her direction every now and then.

Finally, Jade had enough. She stopped. "Alright, what is it?" She said, hands on her hips.

Juliet stopped as well. "Well, its just, you know..."

"No, I don't know. Whats wrong Juliet?"

"You just come here out of the blue, because of an experiment Artemis did, which he didn't tell any of us about, and you two have some secret life that cant possibly happened! Not to mention the fact that you know everything about us, which is kinda creepy! Its crazy how close you two are, Ive seen the way Artemis looks at you, like you're his younger sister or something, and all you have to do is look at him to make him smile, but I have to work for days just to get his vampire smirk! WHO are you?"

All of this tumbled out of Juliets mouth, along with all the jealousy and anger she had been containing inside. She said the last sentence with particular hate, because it seemed to her that this girl was undoing all her hard work on Artemis to get him to see her as a big sister. She had always wanted a younger sibling herself.

Jade shrugged and tried to look apologetic. "Im sorry... But... You know what, I don't even have a reason. Lets just finish this."

"Why cant we just use Holly's magic, or Roots?"

"That magic is centred around them," answered Jade, pushing the door open of the shop. "We need magic that isn't reliant on a source."

"Like... magic air?"

Jade paused. "I suppose you could call it that... Theres so much dormant magic in the air around Fowl Manor, Im almost choking on it."

"How come I cant feel it?" demanded Juliet.

"Youre not magic," she said, grabbing a broom. "Sorry," she added. "Lets go!" She let go of the now magicked broom, which floated in mid air. Juliets eyes almost popped out of her head.

"Woah!"

"Come on," she said, sitting so both her legs were hanging off of one side. After Juliet ahd gingerly sat on the other end, the broom zoomed off into the sky. "We're invisible; dont worry."

* * *

Holly gritted her teeth as the cold air began getting to her. Frond, why did they have to be so sensitive? Her team, flying behind her, had begun shivering as well.

"Turn on your thermal suits," ordered Holly, her nose turning a cute red. Trouble shook himself. She's Fowl's girl, he reminded himself.

"Weeeeeeeee!"

Trouble swerved to the right as something zoomed past. He fell out of the sky in shock when he realized what.

Two humans, flying, on a broom. A second look told him one of the humans was a very scared Juliet Butler. The other one had nut brown skin, like an elf, and black hair. Her eyes twinkled a pretty green. He stared from the bush he had landed in, and where the team were trying to pull him out.

"Sorry, Holly!" she yelled, winking at Trouble, causing him to blush and make his stomach churn. "Urgent business!" Then she flew off, long black hair behind her.

"Humans. Flying," said Trouble weakly. "They... is she a witch?"

"To be honest with you Trouble, I don't know who she is," replied Holly. She grinned when she saw Trouble's dumbfounded expression. She had seen it enough to know it was one of those 'I just saw a pretty girl' looks. Lili was always getting them. "Lets just save my boyfriend."

* * *

Butler paced up and down. "What are you doing again?"

Foaly sighed. "Maybe it's best if you don't try and understand. Just let the geniuses do the work."

"Oh, my poor baby!" sobbed Madame Fowl. "Oh, my little angel! Where is he!"

"I'm finding him," said Foaly, slightly agitated. He understood mothers always broke down like this, but it was getting annoying.

"What did you say?" said Butler, frowning.

"I didn't say anything, Butler," replied Timmy.

There was a scream of "GET OUT OF THE WAY! I DONT KNOW HOW TO LAND!"

Foaly, Butler, and the Fowls turned around. Their jaws dropped simultaneously-and then Butler grabbed the two Fowls and threw them out of the way, before rolling to the side himself.

Jade and Juliet crashed into the wall. Dust floated down. Jade coughed.

"Damn, I should've listened when they told you how to land..." she groaned. "Hey guys."

"Were you flying?!" shrieked Foaly, pointing to the sky. "Actually FLYING?!"

"Broomstick," she said, still indented into the wall. "Where's Juliet?"

There was a muffled yell behind Jade. She peeled herself off the wall, to reveal a very crushed Juliet behind her.

"I am never getting on a broomstick with you again," she squeaked, her brother trying to prise her off the wall. "Now I'm stuck."

"We'll unstick you later. Lets get Fowl first," grinned Jade, clearly pleased with her work. Her face fell as she saw the broom, broken. "Aw, dammit!"

"Never mind! Lets save my baby!" said Madame Fowl.

Jade stared at her. "Does she always cry this much?" she asked Timmy. He shrugged.

"I cant say it has been an entirely normal day-and it's only 3 in the afternoon."

"Meh. Ummmm... spell, spell, spell," muttered Jade, tapping her chin. "Oh, got it! To make the portal of space and time, put all the objects in a line. Send us to my best friends prison, because, errr... saving him is our mission?" she ended on a question, not really sure if it would work.

The next second, all of them were sucked into a hole.

There was pretty tinkling music. "Thank you for your request. You will be put through as soon as possible," said a robotic voice.

Foaly scoffed. "You have got to be kidding me."

**Review! Thanks!**


	12. Chapter 12

**Thanks to Darknerdgirl who told me my story didn't make much sense! It was actually my sis, she sorta went into my account and edited all my correct punctuation... normally I read over my work to see if there are any mistakes! Long chapter, people!**

"No, Im not kidding," replied Jade. "Now we wait for a portal to open up."

"Well, while we're waiting, do you think you could tell us about you and Artemis?" asked Butler, still feeling hurt that Artemis managed to keep this from him for such a long time.

"Well, it all began in San Fransisco..." started Jade.

**Flashback 1**

_Artemis Fowl the Second, 6 years old physically, and god knows mentally, is sitting in the hotel reception. Butler is beside him. He secretly loves holidays like these-where no one knows who he is, he's just another boy in the building. His father is scowling, waiting in line with his mother._

_"Butler," he murmurs, "I have worked something out."_

_Butler looks at his charge curiously. "What have you worked out?"_

_He looked around furtively. Butler leaned in closer._

_"I have worked out," he whispers, "that mother is a goddess."_

_Butler, to his credit, doesn't laugh. "Oh really? How?" he asks, humouring him._

_Artemis is too excited to notice by now. "Look at her Butler! Need I say more? AND I am named after a god, after all," says Artemis proudly. Butler looks at Madame Fowl, and understands how little Arty would mistake her for a goddess. She's standing tall and proud, a smile on her face, her long brown hair flowing out behind her. He switches his gaze back to Artemis, who is gazing at her, as well as every other guy in the room._

_"You're named after a goddess," Butler says._

_Artemis scowls, in a fashion not unlike his father. "I must be right, though, about mother. Now you see?" he persists in his theory._

_"Mmmm," says Butler, not wanting to ruin Artemis' high opinion of his mother. "Yeah..."_

_"If you insist on using slang, at least use it properly in a sentence," snaps Artemis, getting up. Butler gets up too, but is immediately called over by Artemis Fowl the First. So little Arty goes wondering away on his own._

_While Artemis is exploring, he sees two policemen trying to carry away a girl his age. She has nut brown skin and black hair. But the thing that stands out the most are her green eyes._

_"No, no, my mummy will be back," she protests, "This must be the wrong room, I don't know which room we're in."_

_"All the more reason for you to come to the police station," says one of the policemen sternly._

_Suddenly, Artemis catches a glimpse of metal underneath her sock. She's carrying a knife. He begins looking at her properly. _

_Left leg, knife, concealed. Right leg, rope, disguised as a ribbon. There's a lump in her dress, not noticeable, but it looks like... a gun? Hairbands, actually handcuffs, also disguised. Headband, some kind of shield, possibly, judging by the little ridges on it. He scoffs at the incompetence of the policemen._

_"There you are," he says loudly. All three of them freeze. "Mummy got worried about you. She said not to wander off."_

_"Not my fault," says the girl crossly. "This place is interesting."_

_Taking it in her stride. Very cool. "She's downstairs, about to scream her head off. Come on!" Artemis beckons to the girl._

_One of the policemen frown. "But... you're white... and she's brown."_

_Artemis sends his iciest glare towards them, along with a scowl. They step back, and let go of the girls arms. "Sorry," they say._

_She brushes herself down, and walks over to join Artemis. "Racist," she says loud enough for the policemen to hear. They have the grace to look ashamed. She links arms with Artemis._

_"I'm Jade," she whispers._

_"Nice to meet you. I'm Artemis," he whispers back. _

_They smile at each other, and a tentative friendship is formed._

**Flashback end**

"So, that's how we met," shrugged Jade.

"You left Artemis alone?" asked Madame Fowl.

"Well, I thought he was right behind me," replied Butler, feeling ashamed at this rookie mistake.

"Tell us another story," urged Foaly, interested.

"OK, so when we were 7..." she started.

**Flashback 2**

_"You know, you don't have to be cold all the time," says Jade, tying her hair into plaits. _

_"I hate SKORN, I hate this intergalactic conspiracy, I hate-"_

_"Incomplete sentences?" grins Jade._

_"Yes, that too. Hey, wait a second!"_

_Jade laughs. She flicks her plaited hair onto her back. Suddenly, a beep emits from Artemis' watch. He frowns._

_"Oh no."_

_"What? What is it?" asks Jade, serious._

_"Um... We have a pandemic on our hands."_

_"WHAT?!"_

_"Look," says Artemis, projecting the images on his watch onto a white screen. "It seems SKORN and the conspirators have one last trick up their sleeve."_

_"And we're going to stop it," declares Jade, standing up. "I have an idea. How long until first casualties?"_

_"1 hour."_

_"I swear the heroes usually get 24 hours."_

_"Well, I'm a criminal, and you're an assassin. Not exactly heroes-or heroines."_

_Jade rolled her eyes. "Fine, Mr Genius. I-"_

_Pounding footsteps. "I'll meet you in the base," hisses Jade, and then cartwheels out of the window._

_Artemis barely has time to get rid of the images before Butler enters._

_"Hello Butler," he says coldly. "What is it?"_

**Flashback end**

"Was the pandemic the fainting thing?" asked Butler. "I remember that."

"I was so scared Arty was going to get it," whispered Madame Fowl.

Foaly shook his head. "You stopped that? We were so worried it was going to get to the fairies, we didn't let anyone onto the surface for two weeks after!"

"We didn't manage to save everyone," said Jade sadly. "By the time we'd developed a working vaccine, 2 million people had died."

"But you saved the rest," said Butler kindly. "That's what counts."

"And not one of the dead people were my targets!" she added. "I mean, you would think..."

Butler rolled his eyes, and Juliet stifled a laugh.

"Just tell us another story."

**Flashback 3**

_"I don't want to go to a fair, Jade. Kill me, quickly," said Artemis._

_"Oh, come on! It'll be fun!" yelled Jade excitedly. "We're going to a fair, we're going to a fair..."_

_"Arghhhh, I going to get some caviar!" snapped Artemis. "My ears cannot be subjected to one more moment of your tuneless singing."_

_Jade laughed. "No you aren't! We're going to eat ice cream, and hot fudge sundaes, and candyfloss, and-"_

_"ARGH! Watch your grammar, Jade! This is even worse than the singing!" he interrupted, clapping his hands over his ears._

_A CAR RIDE LATER..._

_"Oooooh, look, Arty, look!" said Jade, pulling his arm and going over to the stuffed toys._

_Artemis simply replied, "We are not children anymore, Jade."_

_"You're 7, Arty! Oh, please get one for me!" begged Jade._

_The stallholder winked at Artemis. "One for your lady, young man?" he said cheekily._

_Jade turned red, but Artemis answered, "She's my baby sister."_

_Now it was the stallholders turn to turn red. "Ah... Sorry."_

_"That's OK. Oh my god, Arty! Look at this cute little rabbit! I have to have it!" said Jade, cuddling it._

_Artemis paid for the little rabbit, and they walked away. _

_"I cant believe this is the same girl that can kill a man and make it look like an accident," he muttered under his breath. The stallholder gave them a strange look._

**Flashback end**

"So that's what that is!" said Juliet. "I always wondered why that was up on his shelf."

"WHAT?!" shrieked Jade. "He has Nibbles on a SHELF?!"

For a moment, there was silence. Then, everyone excluding Jade burst out laughing.

"Nibbles?" gasped Timmy. "You called it Nibbles?"

"I was seven," snapped Jade. "You try thinking of a better name."

"Artemis called you his baby sister," said Madame Fowl. She looked at Jade with respect. "He must love you very much."

"I love him too. Don't tell him I said that, he'll think he can get away with anything!" added Jade hastily. "You know what he's like."

"Yes, I do," said Butler dryly. Jade grinned.

"Wanna hear another?"

"Go ahead, then."

**Flashback 4**

_Jade jumps up and down excitedly. Even Artemis is having trouble to keep his cold demeanour in place. The 10 year olds clutch each other, as the lift doors open into a rocket._

_"We're on a spaceship! A real live spaceship!" breathes Jade. Artemis nods, not trusting himself to talk for fear he might scream._

_"Hello children," smiles the lady inside. "I'm Miranda. I'll be your rocket instructor. Now, as you are children, you will be supervised at all times by an adult." The woman has frizzy red hair, and dark brown eyes. There is a man standing next to her, who is completely contrasting. He has dark skin, and black hair. He looks at Artemis and Jade seriously._

_"It is imperative you follow instructions at all times," he says," You must keep one ear out for our voices. If we speak, you must come with promptness and remain silent. Do not be clamorous, or boisterous, or-"_

_"Really, Kraken! Do you think these kids will know the definition of all of those words?" says Miranda crossly._

_"Actually, we do," says Jade. "We're child prodigies."_

_There's silence in the room. The other scientists, technicians, etc. are staring at the pair of children before them._

_"Really?" says Kraken. "What's Pi?"_

_Artemis takes a deep breath. "Pi is 3.14159 26535 89793 23846 26433 83279 50288 41971 69399 37510 58209 74944 59230 78164-"_

_"Woah, woah, OK!" says Miranda nervously. "No need to dish out all the numbers, little ones."_

_Jade smiles sweetly. "I also know 1000 ways to kill someone and make it look completely natural."_

_Miranda has sweat coming off her head. "O-ok, wasn't expecting this..."_

_Kraken raises his eyebrows. He clearly doubts her. "Why don't you fight then?"_

_Jade turns to him. "Who?"_

_One of the techies puff out their chest. "I'm the best. I'll try not to hurt you, little girl."_

_She looks at him. "OK. I'll try not to break your bones."_

_Nobody knows what happened, but the next second, Jade is standing over the man, unscathed, while he is bleeding and groaning on the floor. She gazes at Kraken._

_"Now do you believe us?" They both say._

_Kraken is white. His best taken down by a 10 year old girl. A boy her age able to recite Pi-and god knows what else. "Yes... I believe you now."_

**Flashback end**

"That was kinda the start of the intergalactic conspiracy thing," said Jade, leaning back into a comfy squashy chair.

"How?" asked Timmy.

"Oh, well, we kinda sorta set off the universal alarm, which urm..."

"What?"

"Kinda means Arty and I are-" she mumbled something no one can hear.

"What?"

"You know..." she mumbled again.

"Will you just tell us?"

"Fine! We're the protectors of the universe! More specifically, this galaxy and Andromeda!" she yelled. "There you happy now?"

Angeline and Timmy looked at each other. "Well..."

Before anyone could comment, a voice said, "Thank you for waiting. We hope you enjoyed using Artix Portals, and use our top quality portals soon."

"Yeah,we only chose you coz you're only one that doesn't require a three day reservation," muttered Jade, rolling her eyes.

The 6 of them were spat out unceremoniously onto the ground in a heap.

"Get off me!"

"What are you doing? Roll to the left..." instructed Butler.

"Yikes, watch it!"

"It's only me, Timmy, darling."

Oh, OK then."

"That is disgusting. Stop it!"

"Not like I have much choice, in this posi-"

"I don't need images in my mind, thank you!"

"Well if you scoot over a bit-"

"And let you near your wife while you're like that?"

"Jesus Christ, Jade, just MOVE!" screamed Juliet.

"Alright, alright," sighed Jade, and she pulled out her leg from underneath the pile, upheaving everyone onto the floor. "Oof," she added.

Without warning, the door burst open. Holly Short stared down at the 6 on the floor.

"She kidnap you too?" said Holly, amazed.

Jade opened her mouth to reply, when a weak voice replied.

"Your grammar still makes me want to cry."

"Artemis!" everyone yelled at once.

**OK, I hope that clears things up a little! I will be doing more flashbacks, so you can really get an insight into Arty's mad life, and how he managed to keep it from everyone all these years. Darknerdgirl I hope this is OK for you! I logged out of my account so my sis couldn't change everything!**

**iblinyxxx**


	13. Chapter 13

Jade scrambled up off the floor and shot to her best friends side. "You OK?"

"Do I look OK?" said Artemis. He didn't. His lip was busted, and he had a black eye. He was still bleeding from all of the cuts, and only just managed to sit up. "Hello, Holly."

"That little- Im going to-" she growled, going so red Root sniffed in pride.

"Still crying," he said, then added, "Mentally of course."

Now that Jade knew Artemis was OK, she turned around, and faced Trouble. "Sorry about the flying incident," she said, flicking her hair back. "Forgiven?"

Trouble stared at the pretty human standing before him. "Er- I- er, well OK."

"Great. I'm Jade by the way."

"Erm, Im... Trouble!"

"Oh. Nice to meet you."

"Meet to nice you too... I mean, urm, nice to meet you too!"

Holly, Root and Artemis all exchanged glances. "Well," said Holly, stepping between the love-struck Trouble and indifferent Jade. "I think it's time to leave."

Artemis and Jade smirked. "With a bang, I believe, baby sister," he said.

"Oh yeah," she grinned. "Time to test my new explosives."

With the help of Butler and Holly, Artemis got up off the bed and made it to the door. Jade was busily fixing something onto the bottom of the bed.

"Pressure charges? Isnt that a little old-school?" asked Artemis, raising his eyebrows-a huge display of emotion from him.

"Not when you see what I've done with the charges," cackled Jade. "She'll never know what hit her- or rather, what didn't..."

"GUYS!" yelled a panicky Mulch **(I just remembered that Mulch is in pretty much all of their high speed escapes/chases. Make up any story you like on how he got in...)** , "I set off the alarms!"

"Thanks a lot, dwarf!" yelled Root back, turning red. "One of these days, I am going to-"

"JUST RUN!" screamed Trouble, into his walkie-talkie. "GET BACK TO THE POLICE DEPARTMENT!"

The next second, everyone was running. Except Artemis, he had lost way too much blood. Butler was carrying him over his shoulder. They ran down a long white corridor. Trouble had sent back up away, so the 9 of them were the only ones in the building- besides a deranged Opal and her army.

Who they ran into.

Well, they thought they ran into her, but her hair was bright orange.

"Monique! What are YOU doing here?" said Jade, surprised. Artemis had mysteriously disappeared. Root looked around for him, and saw a flash of black running around the opposite corner. He grinned and turned back.

"Ive come to talk to Artemis! Why wont he love me?" wailed Monique. She burst into tears. "WHY?"

"Well, he's not here, we just came from his room, he's already left," she said hastily. The fairies in the group shrank behind Butler, so they weren't noticed.

"And I want to talk to that girl who was kissing my boyfriend on the hill!" she snapped.

Jade raised her eyebrows. "You're not Artemis' girlfriend," she shouted. "And besides, she went to Portugal with Artemi-" Jade clapped her hands over her mouth in horror.

"AHA!" shrieked Monique. "They're going to Portugal, aren't they? Well, they're in for a nasty surprise!" She shoved Jade out of the way, and turned around the corner opposite to Artemis.

"Gullible little freak," muttered Jade, getting up off the floor, "Oh well, that's gets her out of my hair for another month or so. Lets go!"

"Wait, wheres my baby?" screamed Madame Fowl. Jade paused and closed her eyes.

"He's fine, lets go!" she shouted, making her way down the corridor.

Root, Holly and Trouble stayed at the back to check out any signs of trouble. Not the person, the actual thing. Butler and Juliet were slightly ahead of them, and there was the Fowls and Jade.

They stopped at a fork. "Which way?" said Juliet.

"Left," Timmy said suddenly. "I read somewhere that in order to get out of a maze, you should always go left."

They all headed left. Jade slowed down and stopped the others.

"Listen!" she hissed.

There was a hissing noise, and an intense heat coming. "Whats that?" she whispered, to Holly.

"Goblins," she answered. She already had her Neutrino out. "This is the Arctic incident all over again."

"Trouble, Juliet, Butler, you stay with me," ordered Root. "Holly, Jade, you go ahead, we'll meet you outside."

"But sir-"

"No buts! Now GO GO GO!"

Jade, Holly and the Fowls ran through the sudden chaos. They burst out into the cool night air, gasping. Jade pulled out her phone.

"Hey, Miri! Can you trace this call and meet us here? Thanks!" she gasped into the phone. "We've gotta wait a while."

"Tell us another story-maybe one of your intergalactic exploits," suggested Timmy.

"Alright. Artemis and I were on the Lilitus ship, the best battle ship in all of the universe, when we received strange signals..."

_"Jade, stop messing around," snaps Artemis. "We have a mission to carry out."_

_"A ROUTINE mission," replies Jade, rolling her eyes, hands now on her hips. "Live a little man! Its not everyday we get to see space!"_

_"We will never get to see it again if we miss something," says Artemis, face devoid of emotion, but Jade can tell he's irritated._

_"You know, I understand why they send you on the negotiation missions," she grins. "But I can read you like a book."_

_Artemis sighs. "5... 4... 3..."_

_"What are you counting down to?"_

_"2... 1."_

_At that moment, a huge space wave comes out of nowhere and knocks her off of the nose of the ship. She shrieks and falls, landing with a thud. He chuckles._

_"Well, that should teach you to not to mess around," he smirks._

_Before his female counterpart can say anything, there is a whirr from inside the cabin. _

_"What's that?" says Jade, following Artemis in. "The radio?"_

_"We're getting a signal," answers Artemis, his eyes wide and disbelieving, "From here..."_

_They both gaze out into the desolate place that has been known as the 'Black graveyard.' Jade pulls at her collar nervously. She is wearing a green dress, plain, with a black collar, and it falls to her knees. Three guesses to what Artemis is wearing._

_"Where is it coming from?" she asks._

_"Following the signal now," Artemis replies, typing something up._

_There's a loud wail from somewhere, and-_

"Guys! GUYS! GUUUYYYYSS!" screamed Artemis, running down the hill. His usually neat hair was even neater.

"What? What's wrong?" yelled Jade instantly jumping to her feet, sword drawn.

"Yeah, what-" Holly looked at the sword. "Where did you get that?"

"Erm..."

"Never mind that, we have to get to the van as soon as possible!" interrupted Artemis, still looking panicked.

"Why? Watcha do?" said Jade, unsure.

Artemis' cheeks turned red. "Can we not talk about that right now?" he asked. "I'd rather not..."

"Fine, but what about the others?"

"I'll go back and get them," offered Holly. "You guys go ahead."

"I'll take the parentals, Fowl you stay with Short," Jade said, sword suddenly gone.

* * *

"Why-are-there-so-many-goblins?!" yelled Trouble, upper cutting one of them. "Where do they keep coming from?"

"Who knows?!" Root shouted back, cigar in mouth. He ducked as a flying goblin came his way. "They're just THERE, like any good nuisance!"

"JULIUS! WE HAVE TO GO NOW!" came Holly's voice. All three men and Juliet ran out of the building, shutting it on the surprised goblins. "Artemis has done something, so now we have to run."

"It wasn't my fault," muttered Artemis to no one in particular, "I just HATE them so much."

"OK... We need to be going now."

They all ran towards the van. Halfway through, Artemis tripped over.

"Oh, not this aga- OWOWOWOWOWOOWOWOWOWOWOWOWOWOWOWOWOWOWOWOWOWOWOW!" shouted Artemis, bouncing down the hill.

Surprisingly, Holly and the others got to the van before Artemis.

"The kid is a slow bouncer," laughed Trouble. "Not surprising, as he's slow at everything."

"Get in," said Miri. "Hi, I'm Miri. Go to hell." The girl in question turned to Jade. "Nope, cant do you, Jade. My face is too expressive."

"Thanks for coming to save us- Oh, here comes Mud Boy!"

She heaved back the van door, and Artemis landed with a SPLAT on the opposite wall of the van.

"You OK?" asked Butler.

For a moment, there was silence. Then, Artemis whispered, "If OK defines into 'in complete and utter agony'... Then I am doing brilliantly."

"Err, who's that?" Juliet pointed to a wave of white coming over the hill.

"FOWL YOU DIDNT!" screamed both Jade and Miri, and just like that they were going 100 mph down the road.

"What did my son do this time?" said Madame Fowl wearily. She was getting tired of this adventure.

"He told the geologists that geology isn't a real science, that's what," snapped Jade glaring at Artemis.

"So now we have the jewel girl, geologists and goblins after us," said Root.

Holly sighed and put her head in her hands. "This day could not get any worse."


	14. Chapter 14

**Hey guys! New chapter! Review!**

**ibliniyxxx**

"Ya think?" muttered Jade, glaring daggers at her best friend. He was still against the side of the van.

"Lets just deal with Opal and go home," he whispered. Every movement was agonising.

After they had dropped off Juliet and Artemis' parents, the others gathered around a table to get a plan of action.

20 minutes later, it was formed. They all shook hands, Holly and Artemis kissed, Jade retched loudly, and Butler stopped Artemis from throttling Jade.

* * *

"AAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRFGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHH!" whispered Opal. She had decided shouting was too loud for her precious voice, so she whispered instead. Hey, she's bat-crap crazy. Cut her some slack.

"YOOHOO!" said a voice. She turned around to see Artemis and Holly waving at her. By now she was so angry, her brain had stopped working. She didn't even consider the fact they might have a plan.

"3... 2... 1..." said Holly, holding Artemis' hand. He grinned back. God, for a 14 year old, he was CUTE.

Opal shrieked as her foot got caught in a piece of rope. Then, she was hanging upside down as a boulder swung towards a pressurised container, releasing it. She flew through the air, only to be tied up in more rope while a crane snagged her clothing (manoeuvred courtesy of Butler) and she landed straight in Howler's peak, thanks to Mulch and his awesome digging.

Artemis grinned. "Now my favourite bit," he said, dragging Holly to where Root, Trouble and Jade had gathered the geologists. From a distance, so they couldn't see who he was, he shouted.

"GEOLOGY ISNT A REAL SCIENCE!"

Then they all fled to the van, where Miri was waiting. The geologists feet created an earthquake, effectively covering them, and the huge hole Mulch had created.

"You know, I feel sorry for them," said Jade thoughtfully. Holly noticed a cut on her leg.

"Well, now they're part of their beloved rocks and mud," smirked Artemis. "Dammit, I HATE GEOLOGISTS."

Butler decided to keep his degree in geology quiet for another year.

"Where'd you get that?" asked Holly.

"Oh, fell over in the rush to get Arty's parents out, Trouble saved me," she said, picking it. Artemis slapped her hand away.

"Don't pick it, it'll get worse."

Trouble had turned pink, and Root and Holly exchanged knowing smiles.

Once home, Holly gave Artemis a thoroughly non verbal goodbye, which had Jade retching again.

"Like you can talk," gasped Artemis, in the few seconds Holly allowed to come back up for air. Then she was snogging him mercilessly again.

Jade turned the slightest pink, but everybody had seen it. She had given Trouble a kiss on the cheek for saving her, and now, inside the shuttle, he dreamed of the next time they'd be seeing each other.

"If you continue at this rate," interrupted Mulch, "You'll be creating elf-human hybrids with your mouths."

Holly and Artemis stopped.

"And with that horrible image in our minds, I think it's time for bed," he said.

"Actually, Artemis, we have patrol now," answered Jade, looking at her watch. "There's been some illegal stardust smuggling in the Central Skandola. We have to head down there..."

Artemis groaned loudly. "Sometimes, I wish I'd stayed a criminal..."

Root grinned, cigar in mouth. He slapped Artemis on the back. "Don't worry, we got your back down here on good old Earth. Now go protect the galaxy!"

"Make sure there is coffee here in the morning, otherwise I might accidently kill someone," said Artemis, switching on his watch, so it had a greenish glow. "Most likely Jade."

"Later losers..." she said, her body turning into thousands of little lights as she was beamed up.

"Goodbye, and good night..." said Artemis as he also went up.

"See you in the morning Arty," Holly said softly. "I'll be waiting."

**THE END**

**I HOPE YOU LIKED IT!**


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